#38 - A Portrait of My Pain - Follicular

Pain Portrait

every phase #38 - follicular - the 20th cycle


I hid from you blind

until I opened my eyes

my truth cloaked in lies 

Even when I knew my pain was coming, I wished that I didn't.

I would pretend that it wasn't on its way.  I would tell myself, maybe if I just don't think about it and only focused on the positive, what I want (a pain-free period) will manifest in my life.  And this would be gone, poof!

This couldn't be further from the truth.

This is the escapism ideology (luciferian in it's roots) being taught & celebrated today.  The way to deal with something by not dealing, but by coping with a symphony of denial mechanisms disguised as 'being positive'.   The unwillingness to see the truth & the unwavering facts.

Rephrased: The willingness to live in a lie.

Because of what the lie affords you.

It is important to recognize that the truth does not require your belief in it to exist.

What's known as 'cognitive bias' really only becomes possible if you are unwilling to look at what is true.  Not what you believe in necessarily, but what would be there whether you believed in it or not.  The larger truth that is always there, because it is real, it is the foundation.

If you want to be 'positive', start telling yourself the truth. 

Loving yourself starts with being honest and accepting (not necessarily condoning) who you are and where you are at as valid and true.

I learned that the way to manifest the painless cycles I wanted wasn't to avoid looking at them and why they hurt so bad in the name of being 'positive'.  The only way out wasn't bypassing and resisting, but going through.

The follicle-stimulating hormone sent by the pituitary gland in the follicular phase inspires new beginnings and making new discoveries before the release of another egg.   My new discovery and creation this follicular phase is a portrait of someone I have never depicted, but has been one of my greatest teachers--my pain.  I created this piece as a collaboration with my husband Jason in the North Georgia mountains on our 10-year anniversary together.  He was the photographer for this piece, and has been allegorically helping me see and heal my pain through all of my work, since the beginning.

This portrait shows not only what my pain looked like, but it also shows what it was trying to reveal to me: an alignment and connectedness with the cyclical phases of the universe, mirrored in my monthly cycle, and within the depth and intimacy of my loving union with Jason.

"Take the space you need."

One of the messages I heard when I decided to actually listen to my pain.

If I needed to make a small cushion bed by the toilet to make vomiting more comfortable, I did that.  If I need to take a hot water bottle to work to place over my pelvis to ease cramps and create more comfort, I do that proudly. 

The bulk of my healing occurred when I stopped being embarrassed about being a woman, being perceived as 'weak', and having a period.  I am honoring what I need so I am choosing, not the pain shaping my life and deciding what I can and can't do.  I make choices now based on what my needs are and I am no longer ashamed to have them.   There is nothing wrong or bad about pain, it is simply a messenger, and being honest is the path to understanding that message.

One of the realizations I had was that I was holding onto pain to remain connected to people I desired closeness with but felt they could not truly see me, or hear me.

Being seen is one of our deepest needs. Instead of holding onto pain as our connection, I replaced this with acceptance as our connection.  Acceptance of our differences and similarities, being honest with who I am & my boundaries.

During this encounter with my personified pain, the cloaked figure became a transparent fairy-like form, revealing a mesh underwiring, like the armature for sculpting, which then faded into the sky, revealing the cosmos and the cycles of time.  Displaying a greater reflection of the phases & cycles inside of me, expressed through body astrology.

My pain transformed into a guide to let me know when it's time to let go.

Loving out of fear of loss was replaced with loving out of honesty & empowered choice.

This is the time during the follicular phase for seizing the opportunity to architect how we want the rest of our cycle to go, and the new things we want to learn.  

Just as art is a lie that helps us realize the truth, use the lies within the corrupt healthcare system of our modern time to open your eyes and see what is real.

See you in a karmic March. 💌

Episode #5 - Enter the Womb Room w/ Safa Boga🎧

Face Your Shit Heal Yourself #FYSHY

Safa is a Cranio-Sacral therapist, Master Energy Healer, Womb Alchemist, Somatic Trauma Healing Expert & Founder of Kimiya Healing

Learn more about the womb room here

Check out the youtube version above as we discuss...

✔️How 'ego death' brought about the creation of womb alchemy

✔️ Men have 'womb' as well and can access their creative power by integrating this energy.

✔️ In addition to the physical womb in our bodies, there is an overarching cosmic womb that is the invisible foundation around our reality.

✔️ How to use Plant Medicine & Trauma Informed Psychedelic work to reach new levels of awareness and healing

✔️ The womb, heart & throat connection, the vagus nerve & somatic trauma release

✔️ The fetus developing in utero - one depression forming the reproductive tract and one depression forms the mouth. Before we can even think we already have these membranes being molded through the fluidic body of womb in a mirror image of each other at the same time.

Never miss an episode.  Subscribe to all the major directories with just one click!

✅ Listen on Spotify, or any podcast directory on the planet, just visit the options on the site 

I would love for you to review my book and share your valuable thoughts with the world.  It would really help me out more than you know!  

Simply copy and paste your review on each of the sites below.

Here is the link on Goodreads

Google Books


More info on the Follicular phase here

More info on infradian rhythm + hormonal health: Womancode + In the flo