Most people look on the outside for who they are on the inside.
They go on trips to find it.
They buy certain clothes.
They vote for certain people.
They make more and more money.
They define themselves by these things but still don't know who they are.

Through my journey of healing myself from endometriosis, I developed a mission:  a mission to show others how to face their pain and see themselves for who they really are.

It's a 1-2 step, as first you must actually face your pain, your bullshit & all parts of yourself, in order to see the truth of you.

Seeing yourself for who you really are.  Meaning all the things that will remain with you when you leave this world.

Not for the illusion or projected image we put out.  You know, all the things that most people define themselves by, but actually have nothing to do with who they are.  

Most of the time, if you have to wear it on the outside, you probably don't have it on the inside.

However, to truly see yourself, you first must allow yourself to be seen.

When you create anything, art, music, dance, a meme, you can see, taste, smell, touch, hear, or sense what you are creating.
Imagine diving into and living in that creation.
Well that's the story about what The Logos decided to do....

One fine luteal phase day in the universe, the entity we know as 'God' aka Creation aka 'The Logos'  decided to physically manifest into its own creation & incarnate on planet Earth.  In the understanding that all is one and all is creation and 'The Logos' already, this added a whole other layer of 'cosmic security', if you will.

Creation decided to dive into it's own creation, scaring the crap out of some people.  And the unanswered question echoed- "Where did The Logos go?"

By that having happened, no one can know who or what 'The Logos' is other than the understanding that all things are it.  It is one thing and in all things.  It's in a discovery, in this writing, it could be an ant, it could be water, it's in the air, the trees, and most of all, in the mirror. 

When it comes to us physically existing here, we all of course inherit genes from both of our biological parents, but it's far from a 50-50 split.  
"All people are more genetically related to their maternal line, not just their mother but their whole matrilineal line, essentially - so their mother, their maternal grandmother, and so on and so forth."
-Dr. Jennifer Cohen, Duke University
In fact, we inherit all mitochondrial DNA from our mothers, and 0 from our father, which is why we can only actually trace back our biological lineage through our mother's line.  

Mitochondria are the little power plants of our cells that carry DNA, and this only comes from our biological mothers, not from our fathers.  Therefore, we inherit more genes from our maternal line meaning our mother and her mother and her mother before her, because it's the egg, not the sperm, that hands down all of the mitochondrial DNA. In addition, the X chromosome, which women have 2 XX (forming a 'W chromosome') and men have one X (they are XY),  is five times larger than the Y chromosome (which only men have), and has 10 times the number of genes.  

The way we live in our patriarchal Western society is actually completely backwards from the biological truth, with men being viewed as the progenitors in almost every aspect of society, especially with the male's name being passed down in family lines.  In reality, the truth of our biological ancestry is more dependent on who our mothers were, than our fathers, you know, the ones with forgotten names.  Men were protectors of this maternal ancestry...

What does freedom look like?
What does it sound like?
Smell like, taste like, feel like?
One way to know what it is is to know what it isn't.

There is one issue that spans all races, genders, religions, and affects all people.   
It is one that could unite us, yet it divides us. 
Liberals are trafficked.  Conservatives are trafficked.  LGBTQIA+ are trafficked.  Christians, schizophrenics, Muslims, Jews, gay, straight, children, adults, men, women, transgendered, black, brown, white, purple, everyone.  Hence the name 'human' trafficking.  It affects all of us.  

The Sound of Freedom is America's #1 movie, but many people haven't heard of it or know what it's about. The media either doesn't talk about it, or references it as a 'conspiracy theory film', while posts about it are banned, as well as fundraisers.

Instead, you hear about the 'legend' of a plastic doll.  A story about a manufactured, inanimate object is getting more attention than an actual real hero (Tim Ballard is who The Sound of Freedom is based on) in a true story who rescued children from rape, sexual abuse, and a life of slave labor from their traffickers.  There are shows about how to make a sex room on Netflix, yet trafficking children is shadowbanned and is now a 'political' issue? 
What. The. Actual. Fuck.

The angered reaction to the human trafficking issue from mainstream media, labeling it as a 'conspiracy theory', 'anti-liberal', and 'anti-pedophile' reveals that there is a wound to defend. 
The question is, what is the wound that these people are defending? Why would someone's automatic response about human trafficking & support for this movie be that it's an attack on 'the left'?  That particular political group hasn't been brought up in this subject, except for their own response to it.
Our reactions are more telling of our truth than the marketing statements & arguments we make.

How would you feel if you had been raped, trafficked, and abused and someone called it an attack on pedophiles, or a conspiracy theory?
These reactions remind me of the gaslighting from doctors who told me my issues with endometriosis were all in my head, literally...

Last month's ovulatory phase piece we talked about money, business exchange, and why it seems so fucking hard to sell art.  Correction: Art that carries a point of view--thought provoking art that isn't abstracts, florals, animals, or babies.  That conversation carried over into this month.  Restoring an old friendship with this topic (thank you Ali) led me to make a new friend who sent me this poem that I can't not share with you (thank you Esteban). 
It is ovulation, so we are loaded, aiming, and ready to fire...

”– you know, I’ve either had a family, a job,
something has always been in the
way
but now
I’ve sold my house, I’ve found this
place, a large studio, you should see the space and
the light.
for the first time in my life I’m going to have
a place and the time to
create.”

no baby, if you’re going to create
you’re going to create whether you work
16 hours a day in a coal mine
or
you’re going to create in a small room with 3 children
while you’re on
welfare,
you’re going to create with part of your mind and your
body blown
away,
you’re going to create blind
crippled
demented,
you’re going to create with a cat crawling up your
back while
the whole city trembles in earthquake, bombardment,
flood and fire.

baby, air and light and time and space
have nothing to do with it
and don’t create anything
except maybe a longer life to find
new excuses
for.

~ Charles Bukowski
“air and light and time and space,” from  The Last Night of the Earth Poems Anthology

I relate to Bukowski's thoughts on pain being that if you're in enough for long enough, you will have a tendency to say what you really mean. 
Hell, I said what I mean so much I wrote a book about it.  And I'm still writing this...

Last month we answered the 'woke' question of what men and women are.

This month's ovulatory phase I've been thinking about business.  How we interact & exchange energy in the world.  The exchange of currency, and why it seems so fucking hard to sell art.

Well, not all art.
But thought-provoking art.

Hell, really anything too thought-provoking.
Thought-provoking art doesn't necessarily have a line out the door and 'sell' in a world that's too scared to face its own thoughts and feelings.  What sells is a reflection of our culture's thoughts, feelings, and problems.
So, we tend to paint the world with pretty flowers and babies and abstract shapes with the lowest amount of point of view and the highest amount of agreeableness so we can feel safe for that much longer.  Nothing wrong with babies, flowers, and abstract art, but if we want to continue to have the things that feel good, we must look at and integrate the things that don't. 
Until you face your fears, your inconvenient truths, or your shit, they will continue to have power over you.

I began to look at the exchange of money; receiving money & spending money.
I noticed how just how static the view of giving and receiving is in our modern world.  We view our financial transactions as having an isolated giver and receiver, instead of the reality of the giver being also the receiver and the receiver being also the giver.  As discussed in my earlier piece, Breath of Shakti, the most generous thing you can actually do is to receive everything.  This receiver role has a lot of false cultural negative stigma (like being linked with selfishness) around it today, and (of course) is associated with the feminine polarity which has been made to appear weak, flighty/brainless (thanks Dylan Mulvaney) & passive. 
A pretty clever covert way to dissuade generosity in our world don't you think?

In the reality of energy exchange (which is what financial transactions are), both parties are actually both roles, but many of our transactions and our systems are built from the zero-sum game where one party wins and the other loses.  Because many of our systems are setup this way, it sometimes appears like there isn't a choice but to interact and play within the zero-sum game, where it is only possible for one to win when there is a loser, so we tend to operate from getting our needs met at the expense of others.  But we do have a choice.  With the way the corporatist interests and financial institutions are constructed, it is definitely the road less traveled, and a more difficult one.  Standing for what is true is usually more 'difficult' than what any lie can afford, but the truth carries something that lies can never carry: freedom.  Lies are attached with strings, and require your belief in them to exist, just as our financial institutions do. That's why we have the power to change them, because their existence rests in our belief in them...

What does it mean to be a woman?
What does it mean to be a man?
Outside of biological needs, absolutely fucking nothing.

Nobody can tell you who you are.   Only you can, because It is up to your free will choice.  It is up to you to choose to discover & see yourself for who you really are.

Your authentic self isn't 'invented' or 'created' (not by wearing makeup or putting on 'girl' clothes or 'boy' clothes).  It just is, and always has been, just as your needs and boundaries always have been your truth at the deepest levels.  The truth never needs your permission to exist, but it will still be there when you decide to come around to embracing it.  That's when they say the truth sets you free, but really it's your free will choice to accept the truth that has ended your suffering.

There are biological facts & truths about both of the sexes.  And facts don't have feelings.
The most principle basic difference that cannot be changed (no matter how many surgeries) is within our chromosomes: 
Females are XX & Males are XY.
We all actually begin as females XX as a fetus, then around 6 or 7 weeks into a pregnancy, the Y chromosome will appear (or not).  This is why males have nipples.

Looking at our culture where almost every word in our English language used to describe something feminine (especially body parts) is also used as an insult to describe someone as powerless or weak, you would never guess that we all start as female.  It's pretty much the same with religion, which that will be an entire series in the future...

As we are all aware, there are some pretty toxic narratives and attacks on not only women, but the feminine polarity (which has nothing to do with gender) on both sides of our modern culture.  The left is mocking women & overtly attacking by allowing biological men (can't change chromosomes) in women's sports, and the right is covertly attacking by ignoring any diminishment to women, focusing on women simply having babies and staying at home while men go out and 'lead' becoming manly again?

Why isn't staying home with the kids 'manly'?
It certainly can be if you want it to be, you are nurturing & protecting your family.  Any of it can be, because the term 'manly' is made up.  But people are living by these terms like what it means to be 'womanly' and 'manly' as if they're facts.  They are collapsing and combining what is 'feminine' and 'masculine' with being a man or a woman.  These two concepts are completely separate. 

The feminine & masculine polarities are energy and they are within every single one of us.  Everyone needs to address both, regardless if you are a biological man or a woman.  If you are a woman that doesn't mean you are only 'feminine' and if you are a man, that doesn't mean you are only 'masculine'...

Inspired by my womb alchemy session with Safa Boga of Kimiya Healing (the magnificent previous guest on my podcast), I decided to put it in a poem.  It is after all the follicular phase, a time of discovering new methods and trying out new things.  

The poem illustrates the relationship of the masculine and feminine polarities, and particularly highlights our misrepresentation of the feminine or our relationship with 'receiving'.  Just as the Reiki symbol, "Hon Sha Ze Sho Nen" serves as a bridge for distance healing, this idea serves as a bridge to our next phase, ovulation, where I will be demystifying the masculine and feminine polarities (nothing to do with gender) & how they impact sexuality and energy, as well as the distortions around them. 

Particularly the feminine, since almost every word in our English language used to describe something feminine (especially body parts) is also used as an insult to describe someone as powerless or weak...

Is giving really generous
when there is no one to receive?
Being cheap is dangerous
with your power you cannot see
I see that I am prosperous
so I make art to set you free...

I hid from you blind
until I opened my eyes
my truth cloaked in lies 

original cyanotype (made with the sun and water as my darkroom) 

Even when I knew my pain was coming, I wished that I didn't.  I would pretend that it wasn't on its way.  I would tell myself, maybe if I just don't think about it and only focused on the positive, what I want (a pain-free period) will manifest in my life.  And this would be gone, poof!
This couldn't be further from the truth.

This is the escapism ideology (luciferian in it's roots) being taught & celebrated today.  The way to deal with something by not dealing, but by coping with a symphony of denial mechanisms disguised as 'being positive'.   
The unwillingness to see the truth & the unwavering facts.
Rephrased: The willingness to live in a lie.
Because of what the lie affords you.

It is important to recognize that the truth does not require your belief in it to exist.

What's known as 'cognitive bias' really only becomes possible if you are unwilling to look at what is true.  Not what you believe in necessarily, but what would be there whether you believed in it or not.  The larger truth that is always there, because it is real, it is the foundation.

If you want to be 'positive', start telling yourself the truth. 
Loving yourself starts with being honest and accepting (not necessarily condoning) who you are and where you are at as valid and true.
I learned that the way to manifest the painless cycles I wanted wasn't to avoid looking at them and why they hurt so bad in the name of being 'positive'.  The only way out wasn't bypassing and resisting, but going through....

I got present and
saw everything that really
matters costs nothing

For some things to begin, some things have to end.
Not only are we ending & beginning the new year (on our false Gregorian calendar created for taxes), but we are ending & beginning a new age (about 2000 years).

The end of the Age of Pisces (illusion & religious dogma) and the beginning of the Age of Aquarius (truth & sovereignty).

I have decided to become much more present in the 19th cycle of this visual journey with a new beginning in the follicular phase.  I decided to enjoy. Enjoy what I'm doing right now in this very moment, including writing this. In doing this I started to see how everything that matters is mostly something that adds to you or fills you up -- like a 'deposit' instead of something that 'costs' you.

The newest 4 legged pitbull member of my family reminded me of what really matters in life.
He staggered into my front yard, interrupted my life (and my cash flow $), and invited me to show him what I really care about.  An invitation to show who I really am.
I chose to show him what it is like to heal by creating a home for him.

My period interrupted my life like that.  It invited me to look at what's really important.
The silver lining of 'dying' every month is realizing the beauty of this life and beginning to cut out the plethora of petty worries & crap.
That painful interruption was an invitation to make a choice.  An invitation to "see yourself for who you really are..."

So, as you attend self-help workshops and New Year's Resolution events, you will come to find you were always the thing you were looking for. 
And, it was always free. 
But sometimes we have to spend a little money to realize it didn't cost anything...

Her justice is born
when she speaks her truth and sits
with her deepest pain

When I was able to sit with my pain and ask it what it needed, I found that my liberation would be realized through acceptance.  Acceptance of myself and my body--and it's a never-ending journey.  Your freedom is claimed by being able to be with yourself, thereby knowing your truth and claiming yourself.

Acceptance doesn't mean to stop wanting to grow, to develop or change.
Acceptance means having the courage to face yourself (or face your shit), who you are, what you are.

Being able to be with yourself and not check out through coping mechanisms like TV, alcohol, drugs, a glossed-over 'positive pump-up', etc., no matter how bad it feels.  It's only after embracing and acknowledging ourselves fully that any actual change or liberation can occur.

"We spend so much time trying to fight the way we are and pay for so many things to try to fix it."
-Teal Swan

We ended the luteal phase by exploring our ability to listen.  Listening to our boundaries & our discernment.  
Because we have heard, let's kick off the menstrual phase by using our voice.
Here's some of my message to myself...

...It is no irony that the location where miracle Reiki healing took place, as Jesus and Buddha healed, without pharmaceuticals, was where the US (beginning to practice big pharma Rockefeller medicine) deployed the world's first atomic bombs over Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  The great war Hayashi predicted, where he saw everyone dying and on fire, was World War II.  Hayashi's wife survived, but their house and clinic were taken over by the Occupation, and Reiki was indeed, no longer available in Japan. 

The future of Reiki rested in Takata and Hayashi's free will choice to listen.  When we awaken to becoming conscious to all the different aspects of ourselves, we essentially become choice.  And beyond that, we become awareness. Because Takata listened to that voice one day that said, "The operation is not necessary," she was now the future of Reiki, and the means by which it continues today.  She spread Reiki across the United States, Canada, and Europe where all Reiki lineage lines, including my own, root back to her.  And if Hayashi had not listened to his vision of a great war, there would be no Takata lineage, no Reiki, and I wouldn't be able to talk to you about this today, because it wouldn't exist.

Without being able to listen, we never receive the answers to the issues we face.  If I had not listened to my own intuition, these art pieces wouldn't exist.  I would have believed the doctors who told me I would always have pain unless I had a hysterectomy, or went on drugs like Lupron, which have been found guilty of criminal charges like bribing doctors, yet is still pushed by OBGYN's today.  Lupron is actually given to some women when they are transitioning to become male, with common side effects for women like your voice deepening + facial hair because of the removal of estrogen.

Essentially, mainstream medicine's answer to treating endometriosis for women, is to become a man.   I knew this was not the answer to healing, so I listened to my body and the voice within.

My Reiki attunement in 2015 was the very humble beginning of me becoming connected to myself, and through knowing myself, I started to know others, becoming connected to the life force between all things.  As a result, I personally could no longer eat meat, so I became vegetarian, which ended up being the final end to an eating disorder that even though I was deemed 'recovered from' for about 4 years, I still had constant urges to relapse, and thought that they would never end--until this experience.  I was told similar to an alcoholic, I would always have these addictive impulses and that it would be my sort of 'cross to bear'.  I learned through my experience this couldn't be further from the truth, and after making these diet changes combined with my newfound spiritual attunement, I felt an unbreakable connection to my body, realizing that I was the one who got to say what healing was for me.

As we continue illustrating the history of how Reiki was (re) revealed, this concept becomes very relevant to where we left off with our story...

Mikao Usui left Mt. Koriyama knowing how to heal as Buddha & Jesus had healed.  As he began to walk down the mountain, he experienced what is known as the four miracles...
First, he stubbed his toe, so he instinctively placed his hands on it, and the toe healed.  Then, he saw a house at the bottom of the mountain, asked for a full meal (he was coming off of his 21-day fast solely on water so this wouldn't normally be wise), and ate it without any issues.  The woman who served him the meal had a toothache, so he placed his hands on the sides of her face and healed her pain.  This was the 3rd miracle.  When he returned to his monastery, the director had an arthritis attack and was in bed, so he also healed the monk--the 4th miracle.

Usui named this energy, Reiki, which means universal life force energy, and he decided to take this method to the places where it was needed most.  He lived in the slums of Kyoto for several years healing in the town's worst quarters. During this time, people with missing limbs, deformities & visible diseases were supported by the community as beggars.  After he would heal each beggar, he asked that they begin a new life, but he kept seeing the same faces returning...

The word Reiki actually means the vital life force flowing through all living things.  The elaboration of the history we will explore in the future, but for the purposes of illustrating how Reiki was revealed, we continue where we left off with our story...

...On the final morning of Mikao Usui's 'test' he made for himself, in the darkest hour when he had almost completely given up...
As he was throwing away the 21st stone to mark the end of the 21st day, he saw an orb of glowing light rise from the river below and fly up the hillside to meet him at eye level.  He was scared but decided to face what was coming, and the answer to his meditation even if that meant death. 

He spoke to the light saying, "Give me the answers if I am worthy."  It came closer to him, enveloped his head and there were symbols drawn in the orb's watery light.  As he saw the symbols, he received information on how to activate the healing energy they contain.  This experience was the first Reiki 'attunement' and marked the 'rediscovery' of an ancient healing practice.  These symbols would come to be known as the 3 Primary working Reiki symbols as well as the Master symbology.  

Mikao Usui left Mt. Koriyama knowing how to heal as Buddha & Jesus had healed.  As he began to walk down the mountain, he experienced what is known as the four miracles...
...And the rest of the story continues as we settle into the Luteal Phase in August, moving closer to Fall...

I have covered many different concepts, resources and practices that helped me to end my suffering with Endometriosis.  All of which involve completely stepping into the storm of suffering to face it, move through it, and integrate it, which ends it by going straight to the root.  The most humble and powerful embodiment of this healing process is one I practice almost daily, but have not covered until now, and that is Reiki.

I was introduced to this practice by my best friend, better half & husband, Jason Lettice, a 20 year Reiki master.  Reiki has recently been 'trending' in the health & wellness worlds, with many practitioners that unfortunately don't understand how to move energy & how it is transformed, and even fewer know the history.  If they did, big pharma would be in big trouble.  I have created this piece to symbolize the first part of the story, and also in alignment with the ovulatory phase illustrating the collaboration & many parallels between my journey of healing and the beginning of Reiki, with more to follow in the luteal phase as the rest of the history unfolds.
 
I'm really putting this story in a big big nutshell, because the true origins of Reiki are universal and a part of every one of us, never meant to be lost--practiced by Gautama Siddhartha, Buddha, Jesus and many others.  The word Reiki actually means the vital life force flowing through all living things.  The elaboration of the history we will explore in the future, but for the purposes of revealing how Reiki was revealed again began in Japan in the late 1800s with a Catholic Priest named Mikao Usui. One day, one of his students pointed out, "you're always talking about Jesus and how he healed others, where are those teachings?  Can we learn how to heal as Jesus did?  Show us the method of this healing." That question sparked a 10-year quest to find and learn the skill. 

I asked my fear, "what's
on the other side of you?"
then she screamed, freedom!

...Upon educating myself on how women's hormones work, and the realization that the modern world operates on a man's hormonal clock, I stopped scheduling my life in the 'every-day', and zoomed out to the seasonal, cyclical nature of not only my body, but the universe--every phase.  

I am a biological woman, so I began to honor that, to be proud of that, instead of trying to make it fit into a man's world.  I started to see my cycle as my super-power, something unique to my femininity, and to be celebrated.  My cycle is what makes me different, but it is also what has connected me more intimately to the oneness with others because I am connected to the source within, myself.  

Both masculine and feminine polarities are two halves that complete one whole within each person.  You need both, which is what makes 'competition' between the sexes pointless and really laughable.  Everyone has both energetic polarities within, regardless of what's between your legs.  The goal is to address and balance both.  They are both equally valuable, but they are different.  Each bring different insights and should be celebrated for that...

when the water broke
there were choices we made and
pain became freedom

I recently had the privilege of photographing one of my oldest friends, Shannon, giving birth to her son.

What struck me most about this experience was not only the phenomenal witnessing of another life entering this world but the love that brought that child in.  The partnership and love I felt between her and her husband Mike was pure magic.

To love is to take something as a part of yourself.  It is an experience & way more than an intellectual concept.  It was beyond beautiful to see their love for each other, to see how they pull each other closer and include each other and others they love (even those who couldn't physically be there).  I could feel the oneness of the experience, of all of us there, our power, because we love.

Live from the inside out.

When you live this way, you can't get it wrong, because all of what you see on the outside just shows you more about yourself, and what you have created.
Everything on the outside matches something within.  Not a judgment about you, but a very rich mirror reflection. 

The more we live this way, the faster the identification of the answer. 
So, whenever you see something on the outside you don't want, go inside to see why or change it.

Most people live the other way around--from the outside in.
Identifying problems on the outside and instead of looking within for the reason why or for the treatment, they treat it from the outside.

Which usually doesn't yield any sustainable healing because it was never actually treating the issue (even though it seemed like it).  It was treating what the internal issue had become already on the outside.  Basically, most people try to treat the effects, thinking it's going to impact the cause.

I found a mirror

and in to me I saw my

voice on the pelvic floor

Suffering happens when we don't meet our pain. 

When we don't listen to it, deny that it's there, when we bury it for politically correct reasons, or to be liked and approved of by others.

Pain is inevitable, but suffering really is optional.
Really, yes.  OH yes.
How do I know this?
From facing & not facing my own pain with 17 years of Endometriosis.
A perfect subject for the follicular phase--when we start to creatively plan--where we get to decide what our attention goes towards. 

Not facing your shame/pain is the root of why most people fear intimacy.

Intimacy can be translated to in-to-me-see.  It's a fundamental human need--a connection to what's real.  A connection to yourself and others.

Intimacy is truly being heard and seen by someone and loved for who you are instead of just what you can provide to someone else or accomplish.

Most of our relationships are transactional this way, so to experience real intimacy (which has nothing to do with sex which you've probably already realized) is a real treasure.  And once you taste the freedom of that, you won't want any other kind of relationship, because you will recognize anything other than authentic as truly a waste of time.

Emotions are our internal compass, they are loyal friends.  They may not always be gentle or nice, but they are the map to figuring out what we really want and need.

They show us the truth about ourselves.  The truth about where we have violated our own boundaries...

Pain is what it took for me to become authentic.

In my experience, the reward for being authentic is always healing.

In order to even become authentic and true to ourselves we must be willing to look at the unwanted parts within ourselves--the scared parts, the insecure parts, our own shadow.

Paying attention to and really looking at my pain was the best thing I ever did.  The more I look at the painful parts, the more healing I gain and answers I receive.

This Follicular Phase begins the 7th cycle of this visual journey, and the hypothalamus kicks off this 'fresh-start' hormonal process signaling the pituitary gland to send follicle-stimulating hormone to your ovaries, telling them to get ready to release another egg.  It's when we start to creatively plan--where we get to decide what our attention goes towards. 

This also marks the start of a new format for the Every Phase series in 2022...

Receiving everything is the most generous thing you can give to someone.

The way you receive is everything.

Contrary to what many people think, it isn't the action, but how it is received that generates everything else in relation to it.

What way do you receive?  How do you receive?  It determines how you handle situations, or how the situations handle you.

It is the basis for determining how you feel, how you are choosing to be in relation to whatever you are being given.

Looking closer at the relationship to receiving or this 'being', which is feminine energy, is the polar opposite of masculine energy, which revolves around 'doing.'

We all have both masculine and feminine energy inside of us so it isn't about choosing one or the other, or debating which is better, but the integration, collaboration and balance of both within ourselves.  They are simply two polarities.  So regardless of what sex you are, the integration of both is necessary. 

For example, feminine energy is expressed through creativity, and moving through the flow of your life, as well as in dance and play.

Masculine energy is expressed when you harness your drive to achieve something, like striving for a goal. Feminine energy can often feel very incongruous and become out of balance when you're used to pushing forward in every area of your life 24/7.  

What surprised me most about when I healed myself and learned hormonal information that could help all women, (especially those with endometriosis) is the number of people that were not ready to acknowledge this as being true.

And also the number of people that choose suffering from their disease over the truth that it is possible to heal yourself and become sovereign.  Most people were not ready to come out of their painful illusion, and there is no shame in that.  The important part is having the awareness to recognize that's where you're at.  And oh yeah, I've been there.

Most people have a complicated relationship with the truth.  Essentially, the more powerless you are, or the least amount of responsibility you take, the less OK with the truth you usually are.

Whatever a truth destabilizes or destroys--wasn't actually there in the first place--it was an illusion.  However, the illusion can give people a false sense of stability which they may 'trade-in' over the truth to give them a feeling of power and security when in reality, facing and accepting the truth is the only way to any kind of power or freedom.

The truth is the answer we are asking for.  The problem comes when we are resistant to the consequences that come from the truth.  In the universe of cause and effect that we live in, there is no cause that doesn't have a positive or negative consequence.  Therefore, you cannot prevent the effect of a cause.

The luteal phase is a time of completion--tying up loose ends and looking at shedding or in this case, 'cutting', what isn't serving you any longer.  The ratio of estrogen to progesterone allows me to notice things I didn't see before.  The corpus luteum expands and then is reabsorbed, which causes the focus to turn inward.  Here's some truth I saw from turning inward....
 

on the subject of
understanding art: some will
some won't, so what? next!
 

The playful, social & fearless phase -- ovulation.

I've written before about the fearlessness of the ovulatory phase.  Another way to look at fear is through the lens of winning approval from others, or 'auditioning'.  I was a ballerina for 14 years so I have explored this culture, and aspects of these ideas pretty deeply through my art.  I have featured some of my past work from my ballet series galleries below, and now that I have healed from a lot of that experience, I felt like pulling out the tutu and laying out in the sun for this blooming cyanotype.

The kind of 'auditioning' I'm referencing isn't the truthful and in-reality kind where you know you are more than this part, role, job, whatever you're trying out for whether you get it or not.  I'm talking about auditioning where you define who you are from outside yourself, granting all of the external to tell you who you are, instead of accepting the reality that only you can define you, and looking inward to become a source unto yourself.

When you live from the outside in, otherwise known as the conditional life, needing people to 'get it' or be a certain way for you to feel comfortable, you have no power or sustainability.

The Cyanotype, which is also known as ferroprussiate, blueprint, or sun-print is a very old and simple form of photography employing the organic aspects of light, glass (or a negative), and time. It is one of my favorite camera-less photographic techniques I learned when I first started learning about photography.

Of those incorporated elements, time was not on my side.  I will spare you the technical details, but I failed throughout this week at creating this piece the traditional and formal way, so I combined it with my scanography technique, and still, 'something blue' was born.

Yes, I fail.  A lot.  It is a large part of my success and has led me to new inventions and much deeper understandings. You could even say that because of my past mistakes with my health, I have created the series I am showing you now.

To make great art, you must be willing to make bad art.

Putting so much emphasis on everything made having to be 'great' makes it hard to create anything at all.  Because creation is a discovery, a journey you go on, and the resulting image is revealed to you as a part of this process.  It requires the growth and expansion of 'messing up' along the way...

off the plantation of
standing for limitations
all disease is healed
 

Our world is obsessed with anything that healthcare deems as 'incurable' or 'chronic'.  And of course they would be, healing and sustainability and empowerment from within don't generate consistent 💲 income.  This model relies on you staying on the plantation.  Under the direction of the plantation owners...

...Ask yourself, who is your master?

Is it you? Is it a condition? Fear, addiction, or trauma?

There's a lot of research and answers out there, but we have to make the jump off of the plantation from the familiar places, institutions and arguments for limitations that we've been told are 'true'.

This luteal phase, I was fueled and inspired by the 'happy accidents' philosophy of Bob Ross (which, if you haven't watched his documentary on Netflix, please do!).

The ratio of estrogen to progesterone in this phase allowed me to notice things that I normally wouldn't pay much attention to.  Watching Bob Ross, what stood out to me most in the film was when his son was talking about how when you make a mistake, all of a sudden you learn 10 different ways to correct it and maybe even other techniques that will help you later on--unlike when you just apply a technique correctly.

The magic comes from the 'mistakes'.  The discovery and creation of new processes comes from mistakes--or better said, happy accidents.

I am no stranger to mistakes and working within the uncontrollable.  You could even say that because of my past mistakes with my health, I have created the series I am showing you now...

Once upon a dramatic rise in estrogen...

There was one lucky follicle that matured beautiful and full and was released into one of the fallopian tubes.

She diligently made her way down this tube and found herself standing at the pearly gates of the Uterus where, thanks to those rising estrogen levels, the uterine lining had grown lush with a host of protective immune system cells that had just sprouted.

The dreamy saturation and sense of playful adventure seen in this piece have it living up to the popular reputation of the ovulatory phase--the period of magnetism and communication.

And unlike most enchanting fairy tale stories, there is no villain.  Even with the villains we think we may have or are conditioned to 'fight' against, i.e. PCOS, fibroids, endometriosis. etc.  Beautifully illustrated in one of my favorite quotes...

"If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm."
Old African proverb

When you love yourself and nourish your mind body and spirit, they work together to take care of the happily ever after part--and the best part is, it isn't fiction, it's real life!

The quiet phase of hormones - the onset of the follicular phase.

Its a lot like standing on the beach at night.  The seemingly infinite vast depth and stretch of the ocean as it shapes the horizon line.  Our perspective from where we stand can have us feel so small, yet in rhythm with the largeness.

The small hypothalamus in the brain kicks off a very large responsibility and process, signaling the pituitary gland to deliver FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) to the ovaries, helping some of the eggs mature as estrogen rises.

I created this photograph to embody what washing away the doubt would look like.  What would it look like to exfoliate your fear just as the sand does your skin?

Fear tolerated is faith contaminated.

One of the most powerful practices I incorporated while healing myself was to stop wondering and just know.  Worrying literally accomplishes nothing except having you feel crappier.  Living in fear is what creates disease. 

When your faith is strong, there is no need to explain yourself to anyone, or resist against anything.  You can simply stand in your authenticity & belief, because your faith and the truth are sustainable on their own--they don't require anyone else for reassurance.

I often get the question (in regards to healing myself from endo):
What did you do?!

While there were many physical outward things I did, the most effective was inward.  I listened.

But first, you have to be ready to listen. 

A lot of times I don't think we even realize that we are still speaking, acting out, etc. and not ready to receive the answer to our question yet.

Facts are sober.  Assurances are anything but.

Instead of the commercials and the marketing hype, I listened to the facts about how hormones work and what the infradian rhythm clock was. I really focused on listening to my body and looked at what was really there.  It is definitely a skill to see and hear things for how they really are instead of how you would like them to be...

In creating this 2 part piece (the next one will be coming out next week with the next phase), I thought about how much is said by us without being literally spoken. 

I thought about it as a phone.  There is a space where you speak, by your mouth, and the space where you listen, by your ear.  When we speak to the world within our actions, what we hear back is literally what shows up in our life.

The particular ratio of estrogen to progesterone in this phase allowed me to notice things I didn't see before.  Looking through a different lens, so to speak.  

Except for this luteal phase, instead of looking through a different 'lens' I chose to hear through a different speaker.  Listening to my body, and choosing to 'speak' through my actions, and whatever I gave emotional time & attention to.

Creating art is my speaker and my microphone--it says "I am"...

I am sovereignty
the inalienable and growth
that may scare people
 

There is no greater virus than fear.

Largely because it depends on our attention to perpetuate.  So really, the only power fear has is our own sovereign power that we supply.  In a strange way, it can show us how powerful we are. 

In a culture that is dominated by and addicted to fear, the one thing we seem incapable of doubting is fear itself.  We are more likely to distrust happiness or well-being.  Is this because it may seem scary not to have the security blanket of our victimhood?  If we are not the victim, then that means we are the ones responsible for our sovereignty, for our happiness. And to take responsibility means claiming our freedom, and giving up being anything other than that. 

It means that our happiness is not someone else's job--not a burden that we take on ourselves, but self-sustaining inner freedom that no one can ever take away.  It is the ultimate power.

To me, Ovulation is the fearless phase.

I remember the fear from what my doctors told me.  The chronic, incurable label and the only way to stop the pain from endo would be to have a hysterectomy--due to the fact that the endo was actually embedded in my muscle.  That, or have a baby 🍼 and it will all just go away--the truth couldn't be further from all of that fear.

The truth and answers were already within, written in my body, my hormones. The freedom was there too. 

Fear is one of the greatest weapons used to manipulate entire populations.
Turn the tables on those who spread fear.

When things you care about are threatened and you fear their loss, remember the things that really matter in your life no one can ever take away from you:
1)Your sovereignty
2) Your free will
3) Your faith

I have always seen the orchid as an elegant study of contrasts.  Both masculine and feminine, as the meaning of “orchi” in Greek is “testicles” and the moth orchids usually stems are structured and linear, yet the blooms are full, soft, and almost appear swelling. The egg follicles swell to prepare and estrogen increases to thicken the uterine lining so that it can host an egg--just as the possibilities in our lives reveal themselves, many times in a variety of colors out of the black and white, so that we can discover them.  

As estrogen rises during this phase, it boosts the brain's working memory capability--the ability to handle complex processing tasks.  Estrogen's effect on the brain greatly improves the ability to solve problems, strategize, and plan.  Visible in this piece, the follicular phase is all about preparation and discovery as the follicle swells, stimulated by the arrival of FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone). 

What are you able to see through the black and white?  The contrast of these two, as well as the solarization--or your polarization, allows all of the other colors to stand out.

They say the truth will set you free.

When they say the truth will set you free, it's really another way of saying, you don't have to put on a show anymore. Or put on a personality for the different people or areas in your life.  When you're a person of conviction, you can stand unafraid in what you believe in.  That's when the 'truth has set you free.'

Each menstrual cycle's shedding of the endometrial lining and reabsorption of the corpus luteum has taught me so much about freedom.  Through my own recovery and lifestyle biohacks it has shown me that true freedom is not given by anyone but you.  Freedom flows freely and is always available.  It can never be given, but it can be discovered and claimed.  It is a choice. 

You are so free you can choose bondage.
(and most people do)
-Abraham Hicks

During the making of this piece, I was thinking back on the previous three phases, and how each phase needs the others in order to exist.  None can exist independently of one another, yet all are so distinct, serving contrasting purposes while free-flowing into one another.  The corpus luteum forms at the very beginning, during ovulation, but plays a part throughout the rest of the phases until it is either supporting a human life, or being reabsorbed by the body during the menstrual cycle.

The particular ratio of estrogen to progesterone in this phase allowed me to notice things I didn't see before.  Looking through a different lens, so to speak.  

"Each of us carries an internal lens through which we view the world.  The willingness to reveal what that lens sees is what determines an artist."
-Julia Cameron, Walking in this World

We all know Michaelangelo's painting with this infamous hand position, known as the divine spark--God touching Adam/humanity.  most people think of the creation of Adam (the tile) Biblical references, etc. 

My interpretation is a bit different.
For me, it is representative of the connectedness we all share in the divine energy field (shown by the rainbow).  Every spectrum of color, every gender, ethnicity, etc.as one and having their own unique perspective in addition to being a connected part of everything else.  Symbolic of the yin and yang, or balance of masculine and feminine energy we have inside each of us--which is directly tied to achieving balance within our individual hormone blueprint.

There are so many things I can say about this piece and how it relates to the science of this phase--but I think it speaks for itself. 

lies require people
believe in them to exist,
the truth needs nothing

Too often women are overlooked and underserved in medical, nutrition, and fitness research.

Why? Because of our unique 28-day hormone cycle, also known as our Infradian Rhythm.

When putting together clinical trials, many researchers have decided it is simply too complicated to include women as subjects because our monthly hormone cycle is too complicated. It’s hard to control for all the hormonal shifts women go through every 28-days, so instead of trying to account for those fluctuations, researchers have just left women out and focused on men, whose predictable 24-hour circadian cycles do not vary from day to day. 
Info above from floliving.com

I remember one of my doctors early on telling me that the only way I would ever be able to stop the pain from endometriosis would be for them to perform a hysterectomy because the endo was actually embedded in my pelvic muscle.  It wasn't on the outside or attached to any organs, it had been there so long that it had become embedded.  And because it is still responding hormonally to estrogen outside of the uterus, that is what causes the debilitating pain.  It is an estrogen-dependent disease. 

It was that, or have a baby 🍼--completely opposite ends of the spectrum with one thing in common--many more visits, so increased 💲.

I thought to myself if the root of the entire disease is hormonal, why wouldn't we address that?  We live in a world where the average diet is rampant with endocrine disruptors and fosters estrogen dominance (soy is a huge one which is in almost everything--example: vegetable oil)...

As you know, there have been many depictions throughout history of the ovaries and uterus, and I have been inspired by all of them.  My Rocky Balboa-inspired piece represents the idea that there is internal peace through strength.  Health & wellness are gained as a result of developing yourself, facing the truth, and ultimately setting yourself free. This has definitely been true for me in my healing.

As the follicle is formed in preparation to 'bleed rainbows', the boxing gloves represent the development of strength, with the abstracted fallopian tubes shown as flowering rainbows, representing the peace & wellness gained from that strength, as it blooms into a lily. The rainbow continues to pour itself, leading the eye to the staircase within the Palace of Justice.  With, of course, the ruling decision-maker of our bodies (us) seated at the throne...

When in human history have so many people prevented others from seeing the truth?

It's usually because one person knows that the truth, or whatever is being prevented from being looked at transparently, will hurt one or both parties when they see it.

I created this piece as a reflection of not only my personal experience of being called by the larger part of myself but also a universal call.

There are so many things I can say about this piece, however, we both know that art speaks where words are unable to explain.  I do want to share some words with you, in the form of an Artist's Prayer I wrote (inspired by the Artist's Way) that are a part of my ongoing calling.
Here we go...

Over the Rainbow
I searched for the answers and
I found a mirror

When does something go from destroying us to inspiring us, or vice versa?

The path to destruction, which I know quite well 😆, is when you believe that your cup isn't full, or that you can be destroyed, or when you aren't really aware that you made the 'game' you're in, which means you can never really lose.  It's when you're not willing to face some seemingly 'inconvenient truths' and be honest about what's really there. 

For me, this 'something', called Endometriosis moved from destroying me to inspiring me when I realized that freedom is a choice.  And I wouldn't have come to that really engrained understanding if I had not gone through the destructive trials of endo.  I started to see it as my teacher.  And while I learned new information about how our bodies work, most of what I gained was a deep-seated awareness I already knew.  I had just forgotten.  I just needed a swift kick to remember what was always already there, available freedom & awareness for the taking. So I did.

the power i give
is everything or nothing
that's how art is born

Communicate, collaborate, receive.  This piece, like the ovulatory phase, is about expansion.  Expansion of thoughts, ideas, how many gifts we allow. 
In the world we live, if you suffer enough, they will build you a statue. 

Seriously, when was the last time you heard a day in 'memorial of' or a statue dedicated to the person that had the most fun?  Who made living at the highest vibration their priority?  Most of our society lives in a security blanket of suffering, under the guise of virtue and 'hard work'.  As you can probably tell by this piece (and all of my art), I stepped out of that prison a while ago and it began the final part of my healing from endo.

How is art born?
Sometimes it can feel like pushing out a child.  And then other times it flows so smoothly it's just like discovering something that was already there.  Whichever way, the liberating part is to be outside of the prison of thoughts that shitty things happen and they slow me down or get in my way, or have any power over me whatsoever--and they don't except for the power I give them.  The power I give them is everything--in other words, true freedom lies in the gift of taking personal responsibility...

The second cycle of the series begins!  The very clear message from my physiology this week is the title of this piece: Secure Your Energy.  I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty crappy. 

I had unintentionally allowed an emotionally charged aggravated individual to drain me by engaging in their frustrated 'fit'.  Basically, in the name of 'helping' I unintentionally chose to join them at their lower level vibration.  I had about 4 days of energy & vitality recovery + lesson learned/remembered: secure your energy.  You can't get sick enough to heal them, loud enough to have them listen, poor enough to, fill in the blank enough to ____.  The real 'helping' them is standing in your freedom/sovereignty/higher vibration so that no matter what they have no choice but to join you.  Not the other way around.

The first follicular piece of the 'Every Phase' series I began with was 'The Great Awakening' --reflective, literally and metaphorically with copper glass and quartz spires. So it would only make sense that after this awakening, the first message in the second cycle would be 'secure your energy'. 😅😂

beautiful betta
swimming warrior just like
my intuition

During the menstrual phase, the communication between the right and left hemispheres of the brain is more powerful than any other time. 
I sometimes call this the most 'psychic' or intuitive phase. 

We all know that there's blood and tons of hormonal imbalances like cramps that appear, but what most don't know is what the brain is primed for. 
In my opinion, this is the real superhero phase.

The brain chemistry during this time allows for judiciously evaluating how you're doing in life--what worked and what didn't work over the past 28-32 days in the previous 3 phases.  What do I keep? What am I taking with me into the next phase?  Without this evaluation time, all you really move forward with is crappy, unwanted things.

It's prime time to listen and receive the answers to our questions. Because of all that shedding happening in and out of the body, it's beneficial to remember that not every battle is worth fighting and most do not need our intervention--they may turn out to benefit us if we allow...

a dress for a day
focus, deliver, completion
until the next phase
 

A wedding dress is, arguably, one of the most memorable items of clothing a woman will ever wear, but after the wedding day, it is rarely seen again. Incorporating my unique scanography process, I have created a way for the dress to live on as a captivating and dynamic life size piece of art that will last as an heirloom forever.

Brides only gets to wear their dress for a few hours on one day and she has often put a lot of time and thought into it.  I know I did--my wedding dress in this piece was actually my mom's that I worked with a designer to modernize and match my style.  

Weddings remind me of the luteal phase---or I like to call it, the getting shit done phase.
Your brain is primed for organization + completing tasks and reviewing what was started during the Follicular week and didn't get done. It feel so good to wrap it up and even better to start to turn inward.

It's a sort of 'nesting' time before the menstrual phase, so there's also a nurturing component to the way I work during this time.  Which is very similar to a wedding, where there's a thousand details to tend to, and a need to complete them in the most loving way possible while dealing with your friends and family 😅...

magnetic lingo
attract what feels good to you
let go of the rest

The haiku above left me with the title for this piece: Milk & Honey
Communicate, collaborate, receive.  This piece, like the phase, is about expansion.  Expansion of thoughts, ideas, how much fun we allow.
It's probably the best time to ask for a raise because your attraction factor is multiplied by a thousand.  Like the woman in this piece I've created--she is the raise!

Collaborations with other people are also highly favored during this phase of the cycle and probably my favorite part.  Hence, my collaboration with Phil Minnes to create this piece, as well as several others, as NFT's.  The links for which I will release on my next email.
Considering this entire series was inspired by one of the most expensive NFT sales ever--Beeple's Everyday's project, it will not be absent from the NFT landscape...

As estrogen rises during the follicular phase, the 'first' phase of the new cycle, it boosts the brain's working memory capability--the ability to handle complex processing tasks.  Estrogen's effect on the brain greatly improves the ability to solve problems, strategize, and plan.  

I have been marinating on creating more 3-dimensional work, employing the energy of the natural world--specifically here with copper glass & clear quartz spires.  This one is definitely meant to be experienced in real life--photos just don't do this beauty justice!

The first piece of the 'Every Phase' series I'm beginning with 'The Great Awakening' --reflective, literally and metaphorically.  The sophisticated glimmer of new beginnings with the contrast of the negative space--representing the blank space being discovered in the days to come.  

The direction of her glance is what has turned to or 'synced with' the quartz and copper, symbolizing the transition of the follicle-stimulating hormone sent by the hypothalamus to your pituitary gland, telling your body to release another egg.  Egg follicles swell to prepare and estrogen increases to thicken the uterine lining so that it can host an egg--just as the possibilities in our lives reveal themselves so that we can discover them.  

This phase is all about a fresh start + cognitive creativity.   This is a highly creative 'blank canvas' time which is why I have fused the raw material components of crystal, resin & wheat paste together...

Every day

24 hours
365 days a year.

For the most part the world lives
on a 24-hour clock...

You probably have heard of ‘a sketch a day’ or other ‘everyday’ projects like the crypto art $ breaking sale of Beeple’s Everydays in which he created an image from start to finish every day for 13 years. We look at completeness in terms of the 24-hour circadian clock-- ”the man’s clock”.  Literally, testosterone is highest in the morning, notice how we begin work around 9 AM, and then beings to drop off in the evening around 5 PM--hence the 9-5 workday.

Now nothing against men’s biological clock, but the timing of our world is run in a way that’s pretty one-sided, benefiting testosterone, which they have done a great job at leveraging & optimizing their biology.  A short circuit battery (male) compared to a long circuit (female)--neither one being better but different.  Within the less familiar infradian rhythm clock (your monthly cycle), for women, completeness lies within every phase.  A 28 day series of phases that cyclically repeats.  Similar to the cycles of the seasons and the Earth--very few things in nature repeat the same thing every day.

Every 28 days, since around 14 years old, I have had debilitating menstrual pain.  I have crossed over to the other side and returned, I have woken up in pools of sweat and blood, and I have gone unconscious due to the shock from the writhing, knife-bending, piercing stabs of the cramps.  I usually would have to go to the Emergency room, when I could afford it.  I have had surgery, been on multiple medications, birth controls, countless doctors who have said it’s all in my head, to just have a baby and it will go away--all of the usual medical sales pitches that turned out to be completely false. 

Basically, I know what hell looks like...